My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
