how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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