I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
