Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
