He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
