I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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