He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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