it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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