i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
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