my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
