we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
