She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
