so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just forgot I was standing up.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
