This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Randomize
