put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
