Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
