What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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