Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
