even my farts smell like vagina
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
