i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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