My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I have already put on my inside pants.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
