sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
