Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
