I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
