I think i peed on brittanys purse
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
