Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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