hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
