He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
