is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
