Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
