Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
