I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
