Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
