Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
