I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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