Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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