I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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