Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
