Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
