i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
