I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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