Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
