In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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