I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You ate ashes out of my bong
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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