i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
