My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I pour the whiskey from now on
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
