mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
