Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
