All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
