I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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