I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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